One of the most challenging lessons I learned about leadership wasn’t about making decisions under pressure or leading from the front. It was about something far more ordinary—and something every leader will experience at some point in their career.
Good intentions don’t always guarantee a good outcome.
Sometimes you say something you believe is completely innocent, only to discover that someone else has interpreted it very differently. When that happens, your intentions become far less important than the impact your words have had.
I learned that lesson during one of the toughest training exercises at the Royal Military College, Duntroon.
An Innocent Question
One of the most demanding exercises we completed was designed around food and sleep deprivation. We’d already spent two weeks in the field before it even began, and once it started, there was no way of knowing how long it would last.
As we were marching into the training area, I was walking behind one of the directing staff, an infantry sergeant. Trying to make conversation, I asked whether infantry sergeants went through a similar type of training exercise.
To me, it was a genuine question. Unfortunately, that wasn’t how it was received. The sergeant believed I was questioning his experience and toughness. From that moment on, I had the distinct feeling that I’d painted a target on my own back.
Living With the Consequences
Throughout the exercise, I felt as though every mistake I made was being noticed. When it was over, I received a poor report. The feedback suggested that I performed well when I’d had a full stomach and a good night’s sleep, but struggled once those comforts were taken away.
I remember feeling devastated. I’d worked hard throughout my training, and I didn’t believe that report reflected the effort I’d put in. A short time later, I found myself standing in front of the Commanding Officer after receiving a CO’s warning. At the time, I genuinely thought my world was crumbling around me.
An Unexpected Perspective
What happened next is something I’ve never forgotten. Before the meeting concluded, my drill sergeant asked the Commanding Officer if he could say something. He explained the initial conversation and stated he believed there had been a genuine misunderstanding. He then produced the results of an exercise called Rate Your Mates.
Every member of our section had anonymously answered two simple questions. If you were stranded in a survival situation, who would you want beside you? If you were going to war, who would you want leading you?
To my surprise, my section had ranked me first in both categories.
The Commanding Officer now had two very different perspectives sitting in front of him. One came from the instructors. The other came from the people who had worked alongside me. He looked at both reports before saying something that has stayed with me ever since.
“It’s one thing to earn the approval of your peers. It’s another thing to earn the approval of your superiors.”
My warning remained, but I walked away with a lesson that would shape my leadership for years to come. Leadership isn’t only about what we intend to communicate. It’s also about how our words and actions are received by the people around us.
What It Means for Business Owners
Every business owner will eventually experience a misunderstanding. A conversation doesn’t land the way you expected. An employee misunderstands your intentions. A client interprets your message differently from how you meant it.
In those moments, it’s easy to become defensive. A better response is to become curious. Ask questions. Seek to understand how the other person interpreted the situation before assuming they’re wrong.
Many leadership problems aren’t caused by bad people or bad intentions. More often, they’re caused by misunderstandings that were never addressed. The sooner we recognise that, the better leaders we become.
